Good Days

Some days are extremely good. The kind of days where you get everything done that you wanted to. Food seems to taste better, and you're able to ignore the things that usually bother you. Everything just seems right.

Yesterday was one of those days, and so far today seems like it's going to be one of those days too.

It's these moments that I like to remind myself to just sort of be in present and not think too much about how tomorrow could be a day when I simply don't feel right anymore. Instead, I'm going to concentrate and enjoy the fact that I do feel good today.

I've been trying to set small goals for myself. For example, this week I've challenged myself to write five pages of my short story and so far I've written about a page and a half. I'm also knitting another scarf for my Etsy shop and it's more than half way done. I find with writing, it helps to go somewhere else rather than sit at home and be distracted by the fact that I could just sit and watch Netflix. Once I'm at the library or a coffee shop it's easier to tell myself I have to be writing for at least an hour or so before I can check facebook or twitter haha. It also gives me an excuse to get dressed and leave the house. Then I feel like I'm actually doing something. Lately I've been trying to get myself to actually wear nice clothing rather than just sweatpants and a t-shirt. Dressing up really affects your mood I find. Plus sometimes it's fun to look pretty.

I did yoga the other day (I haven't in a while) and it reminded me about mindfulness. Mindfulness is about being more present and aware of your emotions happening in the here and now. In the yoga DVD the instructor talks about being mindful, and sometimes this can really help alleviate tension and it really does make you feel better.

Anyways, these are some of the ways I've been keeping myself happy this week. I'm really glad I've gotten out of that listless funk I was in last week. Just goes to show that eventually things do get better.

I hope everyone else is having as a good a week as I am!

Writing

I'm a writer by nature, it would seem. Sometimes I have to write: poetry, stories, journal entries, or even just a sentence to try and get my thoughts in order.

Lately, I've been trying to finish a short story and I feel like the words simply won't come to me. I know, it's probably just writers block. I find that if a lot is going on my life, or maybe not even a lot of things happening really, but just if I'm having a lot of feelings, it's harder to write.

So if I write about all of the things I'm worried or anxious about, or things that are just bothering me it tends to clear my mind and help me be able to focus on the fictional world of the stories I've created in my head.

I guess what I'm saying is it seems really hard to focus on writing about fictional things when I have so much that is going on in my day to day life.

Keeping a journal whether in a word document or a notebook, has seemed to really help me through the ups and downs of my life. Not just the manias and depressions, but even the stable happy and sad moments that happen in life. Going to see a really good movie when I have a night out with my girlfriends, or when someone close to me passes away, keeping a record of how I'm feeling makes these things seem not as hard to face.

Of course it is always interesting to read through old journals and see what I kept track of. What was important to me five years ago seems almost trivial to me now. It makes m
e smile to read about how proud I was when I received my first A on an English paper in Professor Bond's class. Or getting my first gold medal in a figure skating competition. It reminds me while those things may seem trivial they are important. It reminds me of the little accomplishments that I have done over the years and that I should be proud of myself for those little things.

It really is the little things that matter most. And I will finish that short story!

A Hard Week

It's been a bit of a hard week and it's not even Friday yet.

I find myself feeling unmotivated and just sort of annoyed at everyone. I don't really feel like doing anything but at the same time I wish I was doing something. Especially something that had a result. Like money. That would be nice haha. To make my own money and feel like I'm not so dependent on my family for everything.

I'm thankful and grateful for my family I really am don't get me wrong, but to feel so utterly dependent can be kind of depressing. I feel as though I'm taking and taking without giving anything in return sometimes. I know a lot of this is just the side of me that feels like I'm unworthy, when I know I am anything but unworthy. But still

This blog is not supposed to be a rambling of my feelings however, so. I made an Etsy shop today selling some scarves I've been making in all my free time. (I can only ship in the U.S unfortunately) I don't know if anyone will actually buy them, but if any of you are interested here is the link Nabilah Knits.

Also I read a really nice article on To Write Love on Her Arms called "Learning to Accept Love for Yourself." It was very inspiring and a nice short read. I think we all sometimes forget to accept love and that we are worth loving. I know I do. I give love away so easily but always find it really hard to believe people when they say they love me back. Or will even tell me how kind I am etc. It's not that I don't know these things, it's more of I just am kind because I don't understand the purpose of being horribly mean to people. Anyways I hope you enjoy the article and check out the scarves if you like!

Until next time...

Keep Trying

We all have our good days and bad days. Some days I have complete faith and confidence in myself that I'll be able do something or that it will all work out okay in the end. Other days, not so much.

I've been applying to jobs again and this time I'm hoping I'll be able to work longer than two months.

The last time I worked was in February and it was only three hours a day four days a week, but even that proved to be too much. Maybe I wasn't ready to handle the responsibility and stress that comes with committing yourself to a job. In the end anxiety and panic attacks got the best of me, and after having to quit my job, it took me several weeks to get back to feeling better again.

So here I am trying again. I'm looking at jobs that are in a more relaxed environment or possibly even working from home. Ideally I'd love to be paid to write or even read haha. But so far I've been looking into part time positions too.

I guess what I'm saying is what has helped me is to let myself realize when I need to take care of myself. Also, I've learned to be okay with the fact that sometimes I have to take a step back from pressuring myself to do things when I'm not ready. Instead I've learned to listen to myself and if something seems to be too much to not be afraid to ask for help and to also help myself by seeing my psychiatrist earlier, seeing my therapist more often, or even taking my emergency medications.

But in the end, don't give up hope and be willing to try again, no matter how scary it might seem. I suppose I have to get back on the horse sometime, and right  now I'm feeling pretty good about myself even if there are those sneaky little moments of self doubt creeping in my mind. I can do it. I just have to keep trying. 

Struggling to Care about Others

I'm sure this happens to everyone, where you have days when it's hard to care about other people's problems.

I consider myself a very considerate person and sometimes I care too much about other people instead of taking care of myself.

Then there are days when I'm listening to my friends talk about the things going on in their lives and all I can think about is how easy they have it. I mean I know there are people out there who have it much worse than I do. I'm just talking about when friends are talking about how hard school is and that sort of thing.

Those are the times when I feel like saying, I'm sure this is difficult for you, but at least you are mentally and physically healthy. At least you can handle working a full time job. At least you have one! Meanwhile I deal with feeling exhausted every day and can't even enjoy the beautiful sunshine because if I stay outside in the heat and direct sunlight I start feeling sick. You don't have to worry that at any minute your mind might turn on you and decide that it's time to start feeling sad for no reason. Or having to police yourself because if you do feel happy you want to make sure you don't seem too happy.

I guess what I'm saying is it's hard to feel sympathetic sometimes when you have so much going on internally. Bipolar can feel like an internal conflict sometimes that you just get tired of trying to control. Maybe that's why I usually feel tired? Haha.

But I love my friends, so usually I just listen to them and try to help in anyway I can. Meanwhile, this internal conflict I usually am able to sort out through writing.

So, I guess what I'm asking is how do you deal with it all? And I hope this post doesn't make seem all bitter. Because most of the time I not.  

The Side Effects

Every illness comes with side effects. You have to change your diet, eating habits, sleep habits, and sometimes it keeps you from being able to do certain things you were able to do easily before and makes it that much harder.

This post is not me complaining about all the side effects from medications I have to take or the fact that I can't do certain things because my Bipolar Disorder. I'm just sharing the truth of how my life has changed in order to keep myself healthy both mentally and physically.

I take several medications but the main ones are Depakote, Lithium, and Abilify. The first two are mood stabilizers and mainly keep the mania at bay, while the third one treats my bipolar and depression.

The most notable of side effects of all of these is: weight gain. I used to be pretty thin but once I started taking these medications I gained weight eventually your body gets used to it and you're able to keep yourself from always feeling hungry. Abilify is the one that really makes me feel hungry. When I first started taking it I felt like I needed to eat all the time. Not fun. Thankfully I'm back to feeling normal hunger haha. However, I have gained some weight and it's the type of weight that is not easy to get off.

Having bipolar disorder you have to have some routine in your life. Sleep can make or break you sometimes. If you aren't getting enough sleep you might become manic or at the very least I become very crabby which I'm sure pretty normal for most people. In other words, staying up till 2 am with your friends is not always the best idea. Having said that, a lot of caffeine is not your friend. I will admit that I have a cup of tea every morning because another lovely side effect is feeling tired pretty much all the time.

Lithium can harm your thyroid so now that I've been on it for at least two years now I have a hypothyroid which makes me tired. I take thyroid medicine but I'll admit that I'm not good at taking it consistently. However the other medications tend to make you tired too. Either that or I'm just a tired person!

Exercise helps wake you up oddly enough so sometimes taking a short walk around the neighborhood will boost my energy levels not to mention make me feel happier. Exercise is something I should do more often and now that the weather is nice I intend to.

Speaking of the weather, Lithium also makes you more sensitive to heat and the sun and makes you incredibly thirsty. Drinking enough water a day can really make me feel better. Besides, water is good for you! Sometimes I'm tempted to drink a whole bunch of juice when I'm thirsty, but that is more calories and it doesn't really quench your thirst. Sticking to water is usually a better choice.

I hope this post is somewhat useful and everyone is having a beautiful Sunday!

Introduction

Hi! My name's Nabilah, and I recently published an article on Altmuslimah.com titled: Muslim, Bipolar, and Still Unmarried.

I've received a lot of positive feedback and comments which has inspired me to continue writing about the struggles and triumphs I go through. My purpose of finally openly sharing my diagnoses was to give hope to others in the same situation as well as bring more awareness to how mental conditions are treated in not only the Muslim community but also the community as a whole.

In this blog not only will I talk about myself but share resources and tips on how I'm able to manage living with bipolar and also post some fun positive articles because we could all do with some happy things to read now and then.

I hope you enjoy reading!