Reminding Myself I'm Okay

A lot has gone on over the past two months.

My Depakote level turned out to be very low, which could have been the cause for some anxiety over the past 3 months. It's back up to where it should be, but I feel as though my body had to readjust a little bit, which is why I've been worrying more than usual about my mental health.

For example, last night I didn't get much sleep, so this morning, even though I felt perfectly fine besides feeling tired, I started convincing myself that I might be showing symptoms of mania. I started crying and checked in with my mom and boyfriend to make sure that I was okay. Both of them reassured me that I seemed fine and that they hadn't noticed anything out of the usual.

It helps so much that I have people in my life that I trust to tell me when I'm okay, and when I'm not. I know not everyone is so fortunate as to have such a good support system.

I've started taking something as needed called GABA, which my psychiatrist described to me as a "natural, milder Xanax," and it's been really helping. So far I've only needed to take one tablet at a time rather than the recommended dose of 2 tablets (I'm pretty sensitive to medications) and it works well without making me feel too loopy or tired.

Writing and journaling is helping me keep myself from over thinking and worrying as well. As long as I can get my thoughts out on paper or on the screen and they make sense, then I know I'm okay.

via quickmeme

What are some of the things that help you remind yourself that you are okay?

Successful Panic Attack

How does somebody have a successful panic attack you may ask?

Last week I started to feel very anxious about an appointment I have coming up. It's something that I've been waiting on for a very long time, so I have had plenty of time to worry about it haha.

I received a call that they were changing the time of the appointment and after I hung up I thought to myself ok, no big deal, it's not like they've canceled it or changed the day completely. Suddenly I started feeling really anxious though, so I decided I would try and just journal to see where these feelings were coming from. Halfway through my journal entry I felt like I was going to cry. I don't like to cry because sometimes they can turn in to panic attacks. But sometimes you just need to cry you know? So I told myself ok, maybe that's all this is.

Of course it wasn't. It turned into a full blown panic. The kind where you're not sure if it's going to stop even after you've done the deep breathing techniques you've been doing since you were thirteen.

Finally after several minutes of this, I told myself that I was ok, and that it was ok if I took some medicine to help me calm down. Normally I'm stubborn and won't take anything and then later I'll have even more panic attacks. This time I decided to do something different and just admit that I needed the medication to help me calm down. I reminded myself that that's what it's there for and that it didn't mean I had somehow "failed" or something.

And you know what? Even though I did feel pretty sleepy the rest of day, I was able to continue to function and I haven't had another panic attack sense. I actually feel very proud of myself for managing my anxiety and taking care of myself, rather than denying that I needed a little extra help. I also was glad that I managed it on my own. Sometimes I'll call my mom and she'll come home and stay with me until I feel better. This time though I just called her to let her know what had happened but told her to stay at work because I had it under control. And I did have it under control.

That is what I call a successful panic attack.

What kind of successes are you having this week?

Writing

I'm a writer by nature, it would seem. Sometimes I have to write: poetry, stories, journal entries, or even just a sentence to try and get my thoughts in order.

Lately, I've been trying to finish a short story and I feel like the words simply won't come to me. I know, it's probably just writers block. I find that if a lot is going on my life, or maybe not even a lot of things happening really, but just if I'm having a lot of feelings, it's harder to write.

So if I write about all of the things I'm worried or anxious about, or things that are just bothering me it tends to clear my mind and help me be able to focus on the fictional world of the stories I've created in my head.

I guess what I'm saying is it seems really hard to focus on writing about fictional things when I have so much that is going on in my day to day life.

Keeping a journal whether in a word document or a notebook, has seemed to really help me through the ups and downs of my life. Not just the manias and depressions, but even the stable happy and sad moments that happen in life. Going to see a really good movie when I have a night out with my girlfriends, or when someone close to me passes away, keeping a record of how I'm feeling makes these things seem not as hard to face.

Of course it is always interesting to read through old journals and see what I kept track of. What was important to me five years ago seems almost trivial to me now. It makes m
e smile to read about how proud I was when I received my first A on an English paper in Professor Bond's class. Or getting my first gold medal in a figure skating competition. It reminds me while those things may seem trivial they are important. It reminds me of the little accomplishments that I have done over the years and that I should be proud of myself for those little things.

It really is the little things that matter most. And I will finish that short story!