Gone Through Some Ups and Downs Lately

They always say don't apologize for not writing in your blog, but I feel bad it's been so long!

I've been going through some ups and downs lately, mainly felt anxious for a while, and then went through some depression as well.

But guess what? I only missed one day of work, so it was a very successful week or too of depression and anxiety.

I firmly believe it was because I forced myself to stick to a schedule, and kept up with my list making (I bought a planner a few months ago that I have been using to make my list/schedule).

I forced myself to get up every morning, do yoga, eat, and shower, and I took my anxiety medicine when I needed it. I get stubborn about taking my anxiety medicine sometimes, it makes me feel like I'm failing or something. But this time I told myself it was okay to take it, that's what it's there for.

While I was in my depression it was hard to see how well I was actually doing all things considered. Once I started feeling better, I was able to give myself a pat on the back and allow myself to be proud of how well I did. I was especially proud that I was able to go to work pretty much the whole time. I didn't even have to cut short any of my shifts which was really good. To be honest going to work seemed to help, because I felt accomplished after my shift was over.

I have been feeling much better now, and I was glad that I was able to enjoy my vacation at cedar point last weekend.

I am also excited for fall weather :)

Read This Post When You Forget How Brave You Are (Because You've Won This Battle Before)

Guess what? You made it. You made it through another day, and today, is a good day. You feel that emotion you don’t always trust: happiness.

Look at you, you’re smiling as you write out this letter. Just a little, a hint, but it’s there.


You feel calm, peace. Steady. Your mind isn’t criticizing you. Your body doesn’t feel numb. Your skin no long has that itchy feeling. The ache in your bones is gone.

You can simply

Be.

The Anxiety that crept into your mind, froze your body, and made you sure that you couldn’t do it has retreated back into the dark hole it came from.

The Depression that threatened to take over your entire body and rip you apart, making you care less about everything of importance has been banished.

It’s been replaced by hope. By love.

By simply knowing that you’re worthy.

That you are enough

That you deserve to feel

To feel loved

To feel happiness

So yeah, you did it. And when Anxiety comes back, you’ll fight again. And again. And again.

Depression? Yeah, you’ll kick it’s butt too. Because you already have.

Depression and Anxiety don’t stand a chance against you.

Why?

Because you know what you have to do to beat them. Their games are old and tired; you’ll destroy whatever they try to throw at you.

Remember:

You’re smart.

You’re brave.

You’re a warrior.

And you will survive.

Because you have already won this battle before
and you will again.

Depression Daze: Finally Coming Out of a Depression Episode

You know how when you're depressed, days feel like weeks?

That's pretty much been me a few weeks ago, for like a week and a half. It felt like a month, when in reality it was only maybe two weeks tops. Of course after I came out of the depression I dealt with a few days of really bad anxiety. Fun times.

But you know what? Even though that week and a half of depression was worse than I've felt in at least 2 years, I still made it through, and came out of it. I had an extra session of therapy, and we both concluded I should probably do what my psychiatrist had suggested in times of anxiety or depression: Increase my dosage of Depakote a little bit.

I don't like to increase my dosage unless absolutely necessary, but in this case it was the right decision. So after about 3-4 days, and some really hard days of forcing myself to do everything possible to make myself work through the depression, I started feeling better. One of the days, a Tuesday, I had to work at 4 pm, and I hadn't worked in over a week. Finally with my the extra help of my boyfriend (he literally talked me through getting out the door to go to work, step by step) I was able to make it to work, and stay there. That seemed to flip the switch. I felt so much better after that, after having forced myself to work.

For me, the hardest thing about depression is the feeling of just being numb, having no motivation, and simply not caring about anything anymore.

Some methods of coping that worked for me this time were:

1. Making Lists

I have a small notebook I keep next to the bed, and every night or morning, I'd write done what I wanted to accomplish the next day, even if was as simple as writing down: Shower, Eat, Get Dressed. Writing down these small goals, makes things seem more manageable, and also once I cross it off helps me feel more accomplished. I learned this from a former therapist.

One of My Lists

2. Write Letters to Yourself

My boyfriend had the idea that if I wrote a letter to myself the night before (I tended to feel less depressed during the afternoons and evening, the mornings were the hardest for me) that might help me feel more motivated in the morning.

The letters were more like pep talks to myself, and telling myself that I could do it.

I also recommend writing letters to yourself when you feel good. That way you can look back at them during low times, and remember that you won't always feel this bad.

3. Stay Hydrated, Eat Small Meals, Hygiene

When I get depressed I tend to not take very good care of myself. This is usually because I don't feel like I deserve food, or even feel like eating. Food starts seeming gross to me. It doesn't help that I tend to just not care about myself very much anymore. So it helps to force myself to eat small meals throughout the day, the healthier the better. Also staying hydrated is important, so drink up!

Finally, take a shower/bath everyday, even if you don't usually shower everyday. Even if you feel bad, taking a shower can really help improve your mood. Soak in the bath, stand under the shower head, and just enjoy the heat of the water, the smell of the soaps, and simply feeling cleaning afterwards.

via

4. Sleep

Sleep is tricky.

If you sleep too much, it will make you feel worse. You have to make yourself get up at a decent hour every day. Even if it simply means you get out of bed, and move to the couch. A good sleep schedule is important. Personally anything more than 10 hours is too much in my opinion. I know it's hard, but getting out of bed is the best thing to do when you're depressed.

5. Exercise

Exercise, exercise, exercise.

Even if it's simply doing some stretches for 10-15 minutes on a yoga mat. Or taking a 10 minute walk around the block. If you can do more great! if not, 10 minutes at least, especially in the morning can really really improve your mood.

Here's a  yoga stretching video I like to use (it's about 13 minutes long): Fitness Blender Yoga Infused Workout

6. Finally, Don't Beat Yourself Up, Be Kind to Yourself

I know you've got that harsh inner critic in your mind when you're feeling like this, but don't listen to it. You are not only a survivor, you are a warrior. You'll get better, and the next time will not be as bad, because you know what to do, and you've done it before.

Give yourself some credit. You have to fight this battle with yourself, and in the end you will win. You always do :)

via

Panic Attacks and Anxiety: Ways to Cope while Working

I've written a lot about anxiety on this blog. Even though I have Bipolar Disorder, it's usually the anxiety that most affects my day-to-day life.

The past few weeks have been especially hard, so I thought I'd write about some tips that I've been trying to help myself push through this anxiety while still managing to go to work.

Here's what I wrote in my journal:

I didn't end up going to work today. While I was driving on my way to work, I started having a panic attack so I pulled over into a neighborhood, and tried to calm down. I didn't feel safe driving though. So I ended up driving back home and then took a GABA and watched Age of Adaline and just tried to relax.

That was just the beginning of what would go on for 3 weeks. After about a week and a half I called my psychiatrist and saw her that Monday. She had to increase my medication gradually, and within about a week and a half I started feeling like myself again.

I was able to only miss three days of work in those 3 weeks though, so I consider it very successful.

How did I manage, you might ask?

It wasn't easy, it took a lot of support from those around me, and a lot of pushing myself to go to work when every part of my body and mind was telling me to stay home.

I forced myself to go outside, and get some sun (strangely enough Michigan was having 60 degree weather in February when all of this was happening. This helped a lot. Not just the exercise, but to get rid of some of that nervous energy. My therapist recommended that I try doing some sort of stretching or exercise before work. This way, I'd sort of tire myself out before driving to work, again, getting rid of the nervous energy so I wouldn't panic while driving to work.

I would also either take some GABA or some other meds that my doctor prescribed me for anxiety a few hours before going to work, to prevent myself from panicking before or even during work.

I also had myself do "practice runs." For example one day when I was especially nervous about driving to work, I got up early and practiced driving places. I went to CVS in the morning and sort of walked around, and then practiced interacting with people by making small talk with the cashier.

Perhaps the hardest part about this period of anxiety was near the end of it I was waking up at around 3 in the morning and having panic attacks. This is extremely unpleasant. I hadn't felt that bad in a long time. My boyfriend was very supportive and helpful, comforting me and listening to my fears until I felt calm enough to fall back asleep. My mother was also helpful by letting me call her whenever I needed to talk. My sister and I would text sometimes during the day and it helped to talk about random things with her to distract myself from the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety.

It helped that I was able to be pretty honest about what was going on with work. They were very understanding and did not make me feel like I was somehow failing or disappointing them on days that I was unable to go into work. This took off the pressure and actually made it easier to go into work more than I normally would have been able to.

I have since had a follow up with my psychiatrist and she is very happy with my improved mental health.

What are some of the ways you cope with anxiety while working?

Morning Panic

She woke up with that same sense of fear in the pit of her stomach.

For the past three days she’d woken up earlier than usual, always afraid. The next thing she knew her body would be in a panic, crying and shaking, hardly able to breathe until she took something, anything, to make herself fall back asleep.

She wasn’t a stranger to panic.

This time though, she felt like she was thirteen years old again as another wave of panic washed over her refusing to release her. The rational part of her mind told her she’d be fine, to just ride the wave, but an overwhelming part of her could only think one thing: Why won’t it stop?

It would stop eventually, it always did, but that lingering fear remained with her throughout the day no matter how many pills she swallowed.

She got through each day, functioning, able to do day to day tasks, and even laugh. But it was those mornings she feared when she laid her head on her pillow each night. The mornings where she’d have to calm herself and start the process all over again.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. This wasn’t how it used to be.

Reminding Myself I'm Okay

A lot has gone on over the past two months.

My Depakote level turned out to be very low, which could have been the cause for some anxiety over the past 3 months. It's back up to where it should be, but I feel as though my body had to readjust a little bit, which is why I've been worrying more than usual about my mental health.

For example, last night I didn't get much sleep, so this morning, even though I felt perfectly fine besides feeling tired, I started convincing myself that I might be showing symptoms of mania. I started crying and checked in with my mom and boyfriend to make sure that I was okay. Both of them reassured me that I seemed fine and that they hadn't noticed anything out of the usual.

It helps so much that I have people in my life that I trust to tell me when I'm okay, and when I'm not. I know not everyone is so fortunate as to have such a good support system.

I've started taking something as needed called GABA, which my psychiatrist described to me as a "natural, milder Xanax," and it's been really helping. So far I've only needed to take one tablet at a time rather than the recommended dose of 2 tablets (I'm pretty sensitive to medications) and it works well without making me feel too loopy or tired.

Writing and journaling is helping me keep myself from over thinking and worrying as well. As long as I can get my thoughts out on paper or on the screen and they make sense, then I know I'm okay.

via quickmeme

What are some of the things that help you remind yourself that you are okay?

You’re Not Sick Enough: Sick Days and Mental Illness

I may look absolutely fine.

But inside I have a knot in my stomach. My mind is racing with a million different thoughts. Most of them are about how to get to a safe place. I can’t breathe, and the panic is slowly building. I have to get out. I have to get out now.

Calm down, the voice of reason inside my head tells me. You’re okay, you’re just trying to have a panic attack. Now, breathe.

Breathe? That’s something that’s not possible right now. Oh, and did I mention that I’m driving? Yeah, I can’t have a panic attack right now.

I start to try and slow my breathing, telling myself that I need to calm down long enough to pull over. I’m half way to work. The closer I get, the harder it is to breathe. I’m not going to make it there today.

I glance at the clock: 8:20am.

Ten minutes until my shift starts. I shouldn’t be this nervous, my job is simple. I’m a cashier at a resale shop, and half the time I’m just hanging up clothes. So why am I freaking out?

That’s the thing about anxiety. It doesn’t always make sense.

Maybe it was the comment my supervisor made the other day. He probably didn’t even mean for it to sound critical. But I took it to heart, and now I no longer feel comfortable at work.

There it is. The root of my anxiety. Logically, I know I need to go in and go to work. But mentally and physically I can’t. At least, not today.

I’ve pulled over into a parking lot. Trying to breathe. My face is wet with tears, my hands are shaking. I don’t have any tissues (I never seem to have tissues when I need them), but I’m beginning to calm down. I’m letting myself not be okay. I’m letting myself not have to pretend I’m okay and go into work with a smile on my face. I’m giving myself a break.

Now how do I explain that to someone who doesn’t have severe anxiety? How do I explain to my boss that I need to take a sick day because I physically couldn’t come into work today?

I’ve tried. I’ve tried to tell the truth when this happens. Then I get the “talk.” I need to be more reliable, consistent, dependable. They can’t depend on me because I can’t predict that my anxiety won’t show up.

So I lie. I text that I woke up with a cold. A stomach virus. Something physical that they can understand. And when I go into work tomorrow, I’ll explain that it must have been a 24 hour bug.

In reality? This anxiety is something I’m going to have to continue fighting for the rest of my life.

New Job!

Pretty much all last week I was applying to jobs online, mainly through Indeed's search engine.

It's been a little hard putting myself back out there again, but I figure it's better to not stay off of the horse too long.

I've gotten a job as a caregiver. It'll be something different, less hours, and hopefully less stress. I'm hoping to pick up more hours, but for now I think that this will be good for me. I'm pretty excited about it so that's good.

I've also been writing more poems lately which I've been publishing over on Medium.

Other than that just getting myself ready for working again!

Quitting My Job Because of Anxiety

It’s happening again. And I’m angry. And tired.

Tired of this crippling anxiety that has me chained to this bed, threatening to derail my life again. I can’t afford to lose this job, not another one. But I can’t afford to go in either. This anxiety won’t let me.

I feel unsafe, and the only way to feel safe again is to quit. It’s the same story each time. I’ll quit, feel some relief, but then spend the next few days beating myself up about quitting. The same damn cycle each time. I know what’s coming: the self-loathing, the self-punishment.

I’ll convince myself I’m not hungry, or that I don’t deserve food. I don’t deserve to be happy because look what I did. I’m ruining my life again, and it’s all my fault.

At least that is what my brain is telling me. All of those nasty self critical, anxiety ridden thoughts. My brain can be cruel sometimes.

Finally my voice of reason will come in and remind me that maybe this is something I needed to do, because I was becoming unhappy at work. I remind myself that the work environment was becoming uncomfortable. It was getting to be too hot, too stressful, and just too much in general.

I know it’s going to be hard. Finding another job is not going to be easy. But it is worth trying again and finding something that works better. A schedule that it is easier on me. A place that pays better, is more rewarding, and has air conditioning. All of these things will be better for me in the long run. So no matter how hard it might seem, know that in the end it is going to be okay and that maybe this actually was the best option for right now.

Slowly But Surely Starting to Feel Better

I decided I'd write a little update for you all on how I've been feeling.

I took off work yesterday because I knew I needed to. I took some anti-anxiety medicine yesterday and the day before and that lessened my feeling anxious about everything. My mom also came and stayed with me for a few hours, and we took a walk to the store and got some snacks for when we'd relax and watch Netflix.

I'm glad I just let myself relax though, rather than making myself feel guilty about needing to take off work. It's more important to take care of yourself sometimes, and listen to what you need.

I spent some time napping and then colored and listened to some relaxing music.

I also spent some time writing about everything I was feeling, just to sort of let everything out. It really helped to have my mom there some of the time to keep me from dwelling on the anxious and sad thoughts I've been having since I was off my medication.

I'm glad that lately I've been doing a good job of letting myself take care of myself and not trying to over do things when I don't feel quite up to it. I'm learning that it's more important to take a break than to try and pretend I'm fine when I'm not.

I called my therapist on Tuesday and she also suggested I take the day off to give the Lithium time to be fully in my system again. Sometimes trying to force yourself to do things too soon can backfire. I've also done my best to stay away from caffeine so that way I'll sleep better and it won't aggravate my anxiety.

Today I don't have work, and I'm planning on going to my therapy session and spending the rest of the day to relax and get a few things done around the house. Hopefully I'll do some yoga too.

I'm planning on working tomorrow, and luckily it's only a half day that doesn't start until 11:30 in the morning.

What things do you do when you have to take a step back from everything?

Writing About My Worries

I've just finished writing two pages worth of worries.

Usually I'll journal, or write emails to my therapist about what has been going on during the week. This time I felt like I needed to open a blank document and just write. So I did. I just let all my anxious thoughts about the past, present, and future come on to the page.

I feel so much better now.

I had trouble getting to work again this week, so I've been a little disappointed in myself, especially since I'd been doing pretty well. I'm trying not to focus too much on it, and focus on all of the things that have gone right this week instead. Still, it's hard to not beat myself about missing work.

I've been good about letting myself still enjoy the fun things I'd originally planned for this week by not telling myself "I don't deserve to have fun" and that sort of thing. Stupid negative thoughts.

You're your own worst critic as my mom is always telling me.

What are some ways you keep yourself from getting down and keeping the negative thoughts at bay?

Via lightwords

My Sixteenth Summer: The Year I was Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder

I've never really written about how I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. So I thought I'd share my story from the beginning:

My Sixteenth Summer: The Year I was Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder

The thoughts had been torturing me for days now, spinning around in my head over and over again. Most of them didn’t make sense, at least, not to anyone else. I knew what they meant and I knew what I had to do. I had to write them down, because they were important. So very--wait what was I thinking about again? Oh well, it doesn’t matter, nothing really matters actually. I don’t really care what people think anymore which is a relief.

My best friend is looking at me like she’s afraid of something, of me. I don’t know why. I’m just trying to tell her something. She says I’m acting differently. It’s hard to concentrate on what she’s saying. My mind is starting to zone out again as the thought start circling back. I try harder to concentrate, and suddenly I’m angry, very angry. I hear myself telling her if she doesn’t want to be friends anymore that’s fine, just fine. My voice is shrill in a pitch I’ve never heard before. It doesn’t even sound like me. I see her eyes go wide as she gets up to leave.

I’m left alone in the hallway. It was the last day of school. The last day of tenth grade. A horrible year. There had been weeks when I would feel as though I needed to leap out of my own skin. An itch I couldn’t get rid of. A hunger that was never satisfied. I became obsessed with certain things. Honey buns, a food I never even liked, suddenly I couldn’t get enough of them. I gained weight, and I gained it quickly. Luckily I was quite thin, so the weight gain didn’t cause too much alarm. But I was hungry, so hungry. I’d wake up at two in the morning starving as though I hadn’t eaten all day. Something was wrong, but no one  wanted to say what it was quite yet.

At thirteen I was diagnosed with anxiety and later depression. I had been having panic attacks every month for a week when I was twelve. This lasted for a year, until I was finally put on an anti anxiety medication. Things were good for a little while, although I had bouts of depression as well.

It wasn’t until I was sixteen that things began to go a little haywire.

Then, that summer, during a particularly bad period of depression, I cut myself. I remember going into the bathroom and getting out a razor, thinking if I could just feel something, anything, maybe it would “release the pain” I was feeling inside. I was numb and been for at least a week. I cut across my right wrist, twice, and then the crook of my elbow, twice. I remember being angry when the cuts barely bled.

I hadn’t wanted to kill myself, but I did want to feel something, even if that feeling was pain.

My mother noticed later that evening and I made up the excuse that the cat had scratched me. Later they took me to my therapist and then my psychiatrist, who after hearing about my erratic behavior finally diagnosed me with bipolar disorder type 2. He put me on a mood stabilizer and continued my anti anxiety medicine.

Eight years later, and several severe manic episodes later, I switched doctors because I was no longer stable. My first visit with my current psychiatrist was when I was in a manic and almost psychotic state of mind. She immediately recognized that I had not been properly diagnosed and re-diagnosed me with bipolar type I. She slowly weaned me off of my anti anxiety medicine which was doing more harm than good, and added another mood stabilizer as well as raising the dose of my current mood stabilizer. Later I was also given a very low dose of an antidepressant when my depression was still not lifting.

I have been doing very well over the past two years. I’m happily taking care of myself and doing what it takes to remain stable. Writing about my illness has been something that I find to be very helpful in more ways than one. I hope that sharing my story will help not only people living with bipolar, like me, but also help people understand what it’s like. I hope to show that people with bipolar disorder are just everyday people trying to live their lives. Living with bipolar disorder is hard sometimes, but really it is about taking care of yourself, and everyone should be taking care of themselves whether they are living with an illness or leading a healthy life. We all have our struggles in life, and this is just one of mine.

Thanks for reading!

Working (Literally) Through My Anxiety

I thought I'd update you all on how I've been doing.

I managed to make it through my usual half day of work today!

I was nervous this morning, but I went through my usual morning routine and just focused on doing one thing at a time. Work was work, and my boss asked if I could come in tomorrow because there's still a lot to be done. For the most part I was able to concentrate on work, but there was a few times when I was still anxious. It helped to count down the hours until I could leave, and that I had a therapy session right after work.

All in all it was a good day.

I hope everyone has been having a good week!

Life Changes: If At First You Don't Succed

Work didn't happen today. I've made a major change in my life and it caused a lot of anxiety for me yesterday. I almost didn't make it to work yesterday. I ended up having to stop by my parent's house to have my mom calm me down and then later drive me (we work at the same place.)

I hate having to do this. I hate feeling weak and needing to ask for help.  Before I go on a whole: I hate having anxiety and panic attacks, let me at least congratulate myself for making it to work yesterday, even though I only stayed for four hours. Yesterday, I barely made it to my parents' house because I could barely breathe. I was trying to keep myself from having panic attacks while I was driving. Trust me, panic attacks and driving don't mix very well. When I did finally make it to work, of course it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. However, I was exhausted from all the anxiety I'd been feeling, and my boss was understanding enough to let me go home early.

Today? Yeah today didn't go half as well as yesterday. But you know what? I needed today. I needed to take care of myself. I kept putting off taking my emergency anti-anxiety medicine because it makes me really sleepy. So, today I woke up, decided I wasn't going to work, and texted my boss the truth: that my anxiety was really bad today and I needed to stay home. Again, thank goodness I have an understanding boss. I took my medicine, and took a nice long nap.

Now, I'm continuing to work on not beating myself up about not going to work. That's the other thing about anxiety, the minute I decide to not do what is making me feel anxious, the guilt kicks in. Not this time though, I won't let it. I know I needed to give myself a day off. Tomorrow will be much better.

How do you deal with anxiety and guilt?

Am I Manic? Trusting Yourself: This is Not the Time to Freak Out

We all forget to take our meds sometimes. It happens

Anxiously starting to think you're going to throw yourself into a manic/hypomanic state because you forgot to take your meds one too many times? It also happens.

Welcome to my day today. I was feeling restless, more than usual and unfocused. I haven't been the best at taking my meds every day this week and I started to think: Shoot, what if this is the beginnings of a manic episode?

Before I let myself go into full blown panic mode (this is when my anxiety kicks in and tries to freak me out) I stopped and really thought about it. Had I been showing any signs of real mania?

I'd slept at least 8 hours last night, and the night before. To be honest, I've been sleeping at least 8 hours a night all week. I hadn't been talking excessively, and I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. I wasn't having any unusual racing thoughts other than trying to freak out about whether I was manic or not. However I had drank a large cup of caffeinated tea and diet Coke.

Ah, too much caffeine. I was also feeling a little dehydrated, which could explain why I was feeling extra jittery and a little "off."

So, no, I told myself, I wasn't becoming manic.

After I drank a couple of glasses of water, I went to the store to distract myself and to get out of the house.

It's 60 degrees out. I think it was just a case of too much caffeine and becoming a little stir crazy.

I'm still learning to trust myself when it comes to the fear of becoming Manic. I think sometimes I don't give myself enough credit. Granted, I need to take my meds every night (and I'm definitely going to work on this now), but otherwise I'm doing a good job of taking care of myself.

Lesson learned: Don't drink too much caffeine, drink plenty of water, and take your medicines every day!

What do you do to keep yourself from freaking out?

Five Things I've Learned This Year

This year has been full of changes for me, some harder than others, but I have definitely learned a lot from all of the things that have happened. 

To celebrate the New Year I'm going to tell you 5 things I've learned this year:

1. I can still travel overseas and handle jet lag without compromising my mental health. I went to Ireland and Scotland last Christmas and while near the end of the trip I did get a little cranky, I didn't end up having any anxiety attacks or have any episodes of mania or depression after I traveled home! It was beautiful:

 

Calton Hill, Edinburgh, Scotland

2. I'm learning what makes me happy and actually doing those things. I've found out that crocheting and knitting makes me happy and helps me when I'm feeling anxious. As a result I have probably two extra blankets I don't need haha, but hey it's good thing the winters are long in Michigan! I've also rediscovered my love for writing, and I'm learning to be less afraid of rejection. I've sent a few pieces of writing out into the internet world and am happy to say they've been published. It's amazing how good you can feel about yourself when you actually finish projects or share your writing with others. 

3. I'm learning to be kind to myself. This one was hard. However I've learned to not be so hard on myself or even mean. That negative voice in my head can be very critical sometimes. I wrote in a post a few weeks ago about loving yourself. I've been learning to enjoy my own company.

4. Giving myself a break. Not only am I learning to be kind but to also give myself permission to relax and sometimes do nothing if that's what I need to do. To be okay with the fact that sometimes I need a break from the stress and anxiety of the world. 

5. Most importantly, the only person who can take care of you and make you feel better is you. I'm not saying don't go to the doctor or take your medicine or stop seeing your therapist. I'm saying that only you can make those things work. If you don't listen to your doctor, or you decide to not actively keep yourself physically and mentally healthy, then you won't feel as well. For example, even if I take my medicine and everything but I choose to stay at home all the time and not do things that make me feel better and happy, then I won't feel as good. I still have the responsibility of taking care of myself and only I can do that. 

In the end this has been a really good year for me. For the most part I have been happy and healthy.

I hope you have had a really good year too!

Here's to hoping next year is even better! Happy New Years!

It's Okay to Give Yourself a Break

I've officially started a "real job." One that I have to go to twice a week on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Luckily, I've known the people I work with for a very long time and they know about my bipolar and anxiety. I've only worked two days so far, one last week, and one this week. I was supposed to work today but I barely had any sleep and had a raging headache all night and woke up and it was still there. It didn't help that the cat and decided to howl in my ear most of the night (love you kitty!).

So, by taking off today most people would say that I'm babying myself. Could I have gone into work today? Sure. Would I have been very productive? Probably not. Instead it would probably have caused a lot of unwanted anxiety. The lack of sleep could have caused me to feel unstable, whether that be depression or mania. Although the mania is less likely as I'm on two mood stabilizers, but still is it worth trying to prove that I can do what a "normal" person would have done and just go into work, rather than taking care of myself? I don't think so.

So what I'm saying is it's okay to give yourself a break. Catch up on sleep, watch your favorite t.v show, and maybe even do that pile of laundry you keep putting off. It's been really hard but I think I'm finally learning how to NOT feel guilty about taking care of myself.

It was really hard this morning to tell myself that it was okay to not go into work. It was hard to not immediately go into the "Oh, I'm such a disappointing, bad person" mode. Instead I'm choosing to tell myself that "it's okay." And I can always try again tomorrow, when I've gotten better sleep.

So how about we all try and give ourselves a break and be proud that we're taking care of ourselves instead!

I'm not Limited because of my Bipolar Disorder, but I'm not Limitless either

I recently read an article by Natasha Tracy on her blog Bipolar Burble which talked about goals and bipolar disorder.

It got me thinking about my own goals over the past year. I've mentioned my trouble with working but one of my goals is to eventually work as much as I feel I'm able. One of the things I'm realizing is that we're taught to believe that we can do anything as long as we work hard enough. However, sometimes this isn't true. 

I think realizing how much I can and can't do has been the most helpful in keeping myself mentally stable. Realizing in a way that I'm limited. I can't necessarily work a full time job like the average person. Once I reset my goal to something much more attainable and realistic it not only eased my anxiety but released a bunch of pressure that I was putting on myself. All of that pressure definitely wasn't helping me. 

So now, when someone asks me "Why aren't you working?" or "You only work two times a week?" It doesn't bother me as much because I'm realizing my limits and doing the most important thing: taking care of myself. I also feel much happier because I'm not putting unrealistic expectations on myself. It's been a relief to start living my life the way that is best for me and not according to what is expected of me in society as a 27 year old female. 

Changing my perspective has made things become much clearer and actually opened up more opportunities because now instead of stressing about things I can't control or stressing that I'm not doing enough. I'm using that energy and putting into things that make me happy--like writing this blog post! Or crocheting more of my blanket. Or being with friends. 

It all comes down to: I am good enough just the way I am. I can do anything, I'm just choosing not to do everything. 

Successful Panic Attack

How does somebody have a successful panic attack you may ask?

Last week I started to feel very anxious about an appointment I have coming up. It's something that I've been waiting on for a very long time, so I have had plenty of time to worry about it haha.

I received a call that they were changing the time of the appointment and after I hung up I thought to myself ok, no big deal, it's not like they've canceled it or changed the day completely. Suddenly I started feeling really anxious though, so I decided I would try and just journal to see where these feelings were coming from. Halfway through my journal entry I felt like I was going to cry. I don't like to cry because sometimes they can turn in to panic attacks. But sometimes you just need to cry you know? So I told myself ok, maybe that's all this is.

Of course it wasn't. It turned into a full blown panic. The kind where you're not sure if it's going to stop even after you've done the deep breathing techniques you've been doing since you were thirteen.

Finally after several minutes of this, I told myself that I was ok, and that it was ok if I took some medicine to help me calm down. Normally I'm stubborn and won't take anything and then later I'll have even more panic attacks. This time I decided to do something different and just admit that I needed the medication to help me calm down. I reminded myself that that's what it's there for and that it didn't mean I had somehow "failed" or something.

And you know what? Even though I did feel pretty sleepy the rest of day, I was able to continue to function and I haven't had another panic attack sense. I actually feel very proud of myself for managing my anxiety and taking care of myself, rather than denying that I needed a little extra help. I also was glad that I managed it on my own. Sometimes I'll call my mom and she'll come home and stay with me until I feel better. This time though I just called her to let her know what had happened but told her to stay at work because I had it under control. And I did have it under control.

That is what I call a successful panic attack.

What kind of successes are you having this week?

Keep Trying

We all have our good days and bad days. Some days I have complete faith and confidence in myself that I'll be able do something or that it will all work out okay in the end. Other days, not so much.

I've been applying to jobs again and this time I'm hoping I'll be able to work longer than two months.

The last time I worked was in February and it was only three hours a day four days a week, but even that proved to be too much. Maybe I wasn't ready to handle the responsibility and stress that comes with committing yourself to a job. In the end anxiety and panic attacks got the best of me, and after having to quit my job, it took me several weeks to get back to feeling better again.

So here I am trying again. I'm looking at jobs that are in a more relaxed environment or possibly even working from home. Ideally I'd love to be paid to write or even read haha. But so far I've been looking into part time positions too.

I guess what I'm saying is what has helped me is to let myself realize when I need to take care of myself. Also, I've learned to be okay with the fact that sometimes I have to take a step back from pressuring myself to do things when I'm not ready. Instead I've learned to listen to myself and if something seems to be too much to not be afraid to ask for help and to also help myself by seeing my psychiatrist earlier, seeing my therapist more often, or even taking my emergency medications.

But in the end, don't give up hope and be willing to try again, no matter how scary it might seem. I suppose I have to get back on the horse sometime, and right  now I'm feeling pretty good about myself even if there are those sneaky little moments of self doubt creeping in my mind. I can do it. I just have to keep trying.