Gone Through Some Ups and Downs Lately

They always say don't apologize for not writing in your blog, but I feel bad it's been so long!

I've been going through some ups and downs lately, mainly felt anxious for a while, and then went through some depression as well.

But guess what? I only missed one day of work, so it was a very successful week or too of depression and anxiety.

I firmly believe it was because I forced myself to stick to a schedule, and kept up with my list making (I bought a planner a few months ago that I have been using to make my list/schedule).

I forced myself to get up every morning, do yoga, eat, and shower, and I took my anxiety medicine when I needed it. I get stubborn about taking my anxiety medicine sometimes, it makes me feel like I'm failing or something. But this time I told myself it was okay to take it, that's what it's there for.

While I was in my depression it was hard to see how well I was actually doing all things considered. Once I started feeling better, I was able to give myself a pat on the back and allow myself to be proud of how well I did. I was especially proud that I was able to go to work pretty much the whole time. I didn't even have to cut short any of my shifts which was really good. To be honest going to work seemed to help, because I felt accomplished after my shift was over.

I have been feeling much better now, and I was glad that I was able to enjoy my vacation at cedar point last weekend.

I am also excited for fall weather :)

Read This Post When You Forget How Brave You Are (Because You've Won This Battle Before)

Guess what? You made it. You made it through another day, and today, is a good day. You feel that emotion you don’t always trust: happiness.

Look at you, you’re smiling as you write out this letter. Just a little, a hint, but it’s there.


You feel calm, peace. Steady. Your mind isn’t criticizing you. Your body doesn’t feel numb. Your skin no long has that itchy feeling. The ache in your bones is gone.

You can simply

Be.

The Anxiety that crept into your mind, froze your body, and made you sure that you couldn’t do it has retreated back into the dark hole it came from.

The Depression that threatened to take over your entire body and rip you apart, making you care less about everything of importance has been banished.

It’s been replaced by hope. By love.

By simply knowing that you’re worthy.

That you are enough

That you deserve to feel

To feel loved

To feel happiness

So yeah, you did it. And when Anxiety comes back, you’ll fight again. And again. And again.

Depression? Yeah, you’ll kick it’s butt too. Because you already have.

Depression and Anxiety don’t stand a chance against you.

Why?

Because you know what you have to do to beat them. Their games are old and tired; you’ll destroy whatever they try to throw at you.

Remember:

You’re smart.

You’re brave.

You’re a warrior.

And you will survive.

Because you have already won this battle before
and you will again.

Depression Daze: Finally Coming Out of a Depression Episode

You know how when you're depressed, days feel like weeks?

That's pretty much been me a few weeks ago, for like a week and a half. It felt like a month, when in reality it was only maybe two weeks tops. Of course after I came out of the depression I dealt with a few days of really bad anxiety. Fun times.

But you know what? Even though that week and a half of depression was worse than I've felt in at least 2 years, I still made it through, and came out of it. I had an extra session of therapy, and we both concluded I should probably do what my psychiatrist had suggested in times of anxiety or depression: Increase my dosage of Depakote a little bit.

I don't like to increase my dosage unless absolutely necessary, but in this case it was the right decision. So after about 3-4 days, and some really hard days of forcing myself to do everything possible to make myself work through the depression, I started feeling better. One of the days, a Tuesday, I had to work at 4 pm, and I hadn't worked in over a week. Finally with my the extra help of my boyfriend (he literally talked me through getting out the door to go to work, step by step) I was able to make it to work, and stay there. That seemed to flip the switch. I felt so much better after that, after having forced myself to work.

For me, the hardest thing about depression is the feeling of just being numb, having no motivation, and simply not caring about anything anymore.

Some methods of coping that worked for me this time were:

1. Making Lists

I have a small notebook I keep next to the bed, and every night or morning, I'd write done what I wanted to accomplish the next day, even if was as simple as writing down: Shower, Eat, Get Dressed. Writing down these small goals, makes things seem more manageable, and also once I cross it off helps me feel more accomplished. I learned this from a former therapist.

One of My Lists

2. Write Letters to Yourself

My boyfriend had the idea that if I wrote a letter to myself the night before (I tended to feel less depressed during the afternoons and evening, the mornings were the hardest for me) that might help me feel more motivated in the morning.

The letters were more like pep talks to myself, and telling myself that I could do it.

I also recommend writing letters to yourself when you feel good. That way you can look back at them during low times, and remember that you won't always feel this bad.

3. Stay Hydrated, Eat Small Meals, Hygiene

When I get depressed I tend to not take very good care of myself. This is usually because I don't feel like I deserve food, or even feel like eating. Food starts seeming gross to me. It doesn't help that I tend to just not care about myself very much anymore. So it helps to force myself to eat small meals throughout the day, the healthier the better. Also staying hydrated is important, so drink up!

Finally, take a shower/bath everyday, even if you don't usually shower everyday. Even if you feel bad, taking a shower can really help improve your mood. Soak in the bath, stand under the shower head, and just enjoy the heat of the water, the smell of the soaps, and simply feeling cleaning afterwards.

via

4. Sleep

Sleep is tricky.

If you sleep too much, it will make you feel worse. You have to make yourself get up at a decent hour every day. Even if it simply means you get out of bed, and move to the couch. A good sleep schedule is important. Personally anything more than 10 hours is too much in my opinion. I know it's hard, but getting out of bed is the best thing to do when you're depressed.

5. Exercise

Exercise, exercise, exercise.

Even if it's simply doing some stretches for 10-15 minutes on a yoga mat. Or taking a 10 minute walk around the block. If you can do more great! if not, 10 minutes at least, especially in the morning can really really improve your mood.

Here's a  yoga stretching video I like to use (it's about 13 minutes long): Fitness Blender Yoga Infused Workout

6. Finally, Don't Beat Yourself Up, Be Kind to Yourself

I know you've got that harsh inner critic in your mind when you're feeling like this, but don't listen to it. You are not only a survivor, you are a warrior. You'll get better, and the next time will not be as bad, because you know what to do, and you've done it before.

Give yourself some credit. You have to fight this battle with yourself, and in the end you will win. You always do :)

via

Clothes and Emotions: How What I Wear Impacts My Mood

I've just finished reading an article called "Therapeutic Dressing"  by Erin Mayer which you can read here.

It made me think about my own attitude toward clothing and dressing up or down makes me feel.

I remember when I was severely depressed a few years ago, getting dressed was a big deal. I usually didn't have anywhere that I needed to be, so I could get away with staying in pajamas all day. By the end of the day I would simply change into new pajamas. If I did end up needing to go out I'd throw a sweat shirt on over my pajama shirt and instead of pajama pants I'd just throw on pair of yoga pants. Comfortable, easy, clothing that didn't feel constricting.

There's one sweatshirt in particular that I liked to wear especially when I wasn't feeling well, that I practically lived in. It was extremely soft, and was almost like a security blanket I could wrap around me, making me feel like things were going to be okay. With depression, sometimes it feels like there aren't very many things you can control. But I could control what I wore. I think I needed that sweatshirt to make myself feel like it was okay to not feel good.

Maybe if I had forced myself to get dressed everyday when I was depressed it would have helped me feel better faster. But sometimes I think slowly easing yourself into feeling better is key, rather than forcing yourself to feel better before you're ready.

I have noticed the change in clothing habits now that I haven't been severely depressed for awhile. Now, I feel like I'm being lazy if it's been more than an hour and I haven't showered and gotten dressed yet. I find myself enjoying picking out a cute outfit to wear, or even just wearing a favorite shirt. I would definitely say that clothing can affect your mood.

Although I still lean towards comfortable clothing, such as leggings, I still try to wear actual tops as opposed to ratty old t-shirts.

How does different clothing impact your mood?

Living with Bipolar Disorder: Ways to Cope

Mania:

The memory of mania has always felt fuzzy to me. The only ways I’ve learned to cope with mania is by using preventative measures. Taking my medications, and getting enough sleep at night. Staying away from caffeine and sugar.

This is what it feels like:

They tell me mania feels like being high. I’ve never been high, but if this is what feeling high feels like, I can understand why someone would want to feel this way.

This free feeling. Of wanting to dance, to sing, to paint, and most of all to write. They don’t understand the beauty, because they can’t see it. They can’t feel the words flowing through my mind. I pity them, even as I try to explain, because I must explain it to them. It’s my purpose.

It’s almost as though I’m on my own secret adventure or quest. I’ve become the most important person in the story of my life and only I know the way, only I can solve the puzzle.

The problem is when the thoughts start spinning out of control. I become lost and confused. Things suddenly don’t make sense anymore which makes me angry and irritated. The anger escalates quickly until I’m just a raging ball of fury that crumbles into sobbing depression.

Depression:

Writing has kept me sane. Even when I was in the deepest of depressions, one way I made myself come out of it was by writing down everything I needed to try to do that day.

I remember keeping a small notebook on a pillow next to my bed. I’d write out the date and then a list of things to do: Get up, Shower, Get Dressed, Eat, Take a Walk, Read, Go to Therapy. Small things that I knew I could do. I didn’t expect myself to do all of them. Sometimes I didn’t do any of them besides eat. It was almost like the list was a simple reminder or suggestions of things I should try and do that day.

Setting these small goals helped. Everyday I’d wake up, roll over, and see the list next to me and I’d choose what to do. As I became stronger, I’d be able to cross off more and more off the list. I’d even start adding more things to list as I became happier, because doing the simple things became easier, so easy that I didn’t even need to write them down. I’d still write things down though so that I would wake up every morning and feel like I had a purpose.

That was the thing about my depression. The phrase that would spin around in my head was: “What’s the point?” When your life loses meaning or you lose the point of getting up out of bed, it’s really hard to find it again. It’s almost like the list became the reasons for me to get out of bed in the morning or even two in afternoon. It would remind me that there was a reason to live, that the night before I felt there were things to do the next day.

Crossing off those small things made me feel better. Even if I only managed to cross off: Get up, Eat, and Shower. Taking a shower can feel like one of the hardest things in the world when you no longer see the point to anything.

Eventually though you start to see the point again, and doing things become easier and even enjoyable again. I know when you’re in a deep depression it seems like that long dark tunnel is never ending, but slowly putting one foot in front of the other you’ll find the light again.

I know that everyone copes differently.

These are the things that have worked for me.

Haunting Memories: A Poem About Depression

via shutterstock

It comes back in a hazy fog

They always do,

the memories.

You think they’ve faded

and just when you’re sure

you’re no longer sad

There it is again

haunting you:

As if to say

Remember me?

And then you remember

laying in bed

wishing to disappear

staring at the bubbles

in the cup of Sprite

next to your bed.

As each bubble rises

Another tear falls

You’re tired

But no matter how much you sleep

It’s never enough

Because you’re not enough

At least that’s what you’ve been telling yourself

over and over

the past few weeks.

You shake your head

Trying to erase the memory

bringing yourself back to the present

and you push it back

to the place where it belongs

The back of your mind

But you know it will return

at least it is now only

A haunting memory.

Colds and Depression

Do you ever start feeling depressed when you get sick?

It's something I've noticed that will happen to me sometimes. It's easier to give in to the "I'll just stay in bed all day feeling" because you're sick. Now, I'm not saying I always get depressed when I'm sick, I'm just saying it feels like it's easier slide into a depression when you  have an excuse to stay in bed longer than you need to.

So, I have a cold and I feel gross. I've just started working again, substitute teaching. However now that I've caught this cold I'm debating if I should go into work tomorrow and spread my cold germs to all the children. I'll see how I feel.

Mental Illness is tricky that way I suppose. Physical symptoms can turn into emotional symptoms and vice versa. Sometimes Bipolar can make you physically hurt. I know when I'm tense and anxious my whole body will ache for days afterwards.

I suppose the reason why being sick can lead to depression at least in my case, is you don't really feel like eating anything or have any energy to do anything. Then slowly you can sink into that whole "I feel worthless" state and it's all down hill from there.

I don't think that will happen this time however. I've things to do and look forward to, so even if I do let myself stay in bed for a few hours longer than I usually do.