You’re Not Sick Enough: Sick Days and Mental Illness

I may look absolutely fine.

But inside I have a knot in my stomach. My mind is racing with a million different thoughts. Most of them are about how to get to a safe place. I can’t breathe, and the panic is slowly building. I have to get out. I have to get out now.

Calm down, the voice of reason inside my head tells me. You’re okay, you’re just trying to have a panic attack. Now, breathe.

Breathe? That’s something that’s not possible right now. Oh, and did I mention that I’m driving? Yeah, I can’t have a panic attack right now.

I start to try and slow my breathing, telling myself that I need to calm down long enough to pull over. I’m half way to work. The closer I get, the harder it is to breathe. I’m not going to make it there today.

I glance at the clock: 8:20am.

Ten minutes until my shift starts. I shouldn’t be this nervous, my job is simple. I’m a cashier at a resale shop, and half the time I’m just hanging up clothes. So why am I freaking out?

That’s the thing about anxiety. It doesn’t always make sense.

Maybe it was the comment my supervisor made the other day. He probably didn’t even mean for it to sound critical. But I took it to heart, and now I no longer feel comfortable at work.

There it is. The root of my anxiety. Logically, I know I need to go in and go to work. But mentally and physically I can’t. At least, not today.

I’ve pulled over into a parking lot. Trying to breathe. My face is wet with tears, my hands are shaking. I don’t have any tissues (I never seem to have tissues when I need them), but I’m beginning to calm down. I’m letting myself not be okay. I’m letting myself not have to pretend I’m okay and go into work with a smile on my face. I’m giving myself a break.

Now how do I explain that to someone who doesn’t have severe anxiety? How do I explain to my boss that I need to take a sick day because I physically couldn’t come into work today?

I’ve tried. I’ve tried to tell the truth when this happens. Then I get the “talk.” I need to be more reliable, consistent, dependable. They can’t depend on me because I can’t predict that my anxiety won’t show up.

So I lie. I text that I woke up with a cold. A stomach virus. Something physical that they can understand. And when I go into work tomorrow, I’ll explain that it must have been a 24 hour bug.

In reality? This anxiety is something I’m going to have to continue fighting for the rest of my life.

New Job!

Pretty much all last week I was applying to jobs online, mainly through Indeed's search engine.

It's been a little hard putting myself back out there again, but I figure it's better to not stay off of the horse too long.

I've gotten a job as a caregiver. It'll be something different, less hours, and hopefully less stress. I'm hoping to pick up more hours, but for now I think that this will be good for me. I'm pretty excited about it so that's good.

I've also been writing more poems lately which I've been publishing over on Medium.

Other than that just getting myself ready for working again!

Quitting My Job Because of Anxiety

It’s happening again. And I’m angry. And tired.

Tired of this crippling anxiety that has me chained to this bed, threatening to derail my life again. I can’t afford to lose this job, not another one. But I can’t afford to go in either. This anxiety won’t let me.

I feel unsafe, and the only way to feel safe again is to quit. It’s the same story each time. I’ll quit, feel some relief, but then spend the next few days beating myself up about quitting. The same damn cycle each time. I know what’s coming: the self-loathing, the self-punishment.

I’ll convince myself I’m not hungry, or that I don’t deserve food. I don’t deserve to be happy because look what I did. I’m ruining my life again, and it’s all my fault.

At least that is what my brain is telling me. All of those nasty self critical, anxiety ridden thoughts. My brain can be cruel sometimes.

Finally my voice of reason will come in and remind me that maybe this is something I needed to do, because I was becoming unhappy at work. I remind myself that the work environment was becoming uncomfortable. It was getting to be too hot, too stressful, and just too much in general.

I know it’s going to be hard. Finding another job is not going to be easy. But it is worth trying again and finding something that works better. A schedule that it is easier on me. A place that pays better, is more rewarding, and has air conditioning. All of these things will be better for me in the long run. So no matter how hard it might seem, know that in the end it is going to be okay and that maybe this actually was the best option for right now.

Haunting Memories: A Poem About Depression

via shutterstock

It comes back in a hazy fog

They always do,

the memories.

You think they’ve faded

and just when you’re sure

you’re no longer sad

There it is again

haunting you:

As if to say

Remember me?

And then you remember

laying in bed

wishing to disappear

staring at the bubbles

in the cup of Sprite

next to your bed.

As each bubble rises

Another tear falls

You’re tired

But no matter how much you sleep

It’s never enough

Because you’re not enough

At least that’s what you’ve been telling yourself

over and over

the past few weeks.

You shake your head

Trying to erase the memory

bringing yourself back to the present

and you push it back

to the place where it belongs

The back of your mind

But you know it will return

at least it is now only

A haunting memory.

Slowly But Surely Starting to Feel Better

I decided I'd write a little update for you all on how I've been feeling.

I took off work yesterday because I knew I needed to. I took some anti-anxiety medicine yesterday and the day before and that lessened my feeling anxious about everything. My mom also came and stayed with me for a few hours, and we took a walk to the store and got some snacks for when we'd relax and watch Netflix.

I'm glad I just let myself relax though, rather than making myself feel guilty about needing to take off work. It's more important to take care of yourself sometimes, and listen to what you need.

I spent some time napping and then colored and listened to some relaxing music.

I also spent some time writing about everything I was feeling, just to sort of let everything out. It really helped to have my mom there some of the time to keep me from dwelling on the anxious and sad thoughts I've been having since I was off my medication.

I'm glad that lately I've been doing a good job of letting myself take care of myself and not trying to over do things when I don't feel quite up to it. I'm learning that it's more important to take a break than to try and pretend I'm fine when I'm not.

I called my therapist on Tuesday and she also suggested I take the day off to give the Lithium time to be fully in my system again. Sometimes trying to force yourself to do things too soon can backfire. I've also done my best to stay away from caffeine so that way I'll sleep better and it won't aggravate my anxiety.

Today I don't have work, and I'm planning on going to my therapy session and spending the rest of the day to relax and get a few things done around the house. Hopefully I'll do some yoga too.

I'm planning on working tomorrow, and luckily it's only a half day that doesn't start until 11:30 in the morning.

What things do you do when you have to take a step back from everything?

Letting Yourself Not Be Okay, But Don't Beat Yourself Up About It

I had a "moment" today.

I hadn't had my Lithium in 3 days because my pharmacy wasn't able to refill my prescription until four days later. I should have transferred my prescription to another pharmacy sooner, but I thought I'd be okay to wait. By Day 2 without Lithium I was having severe headaches. By Day 3, I was crying for no reason. At least it felt like no reason. It could be I was feeling really stupid and beating myself up about not getting my medication sooner.

I was able to get my medicine today (Day 3), and I've taken it. So I should start feeling better.

Emotions are tricky. Usually what happens with me is I'll start crying and then get angry at myself for crying for no reason. I talked to my boyfriend about how I was feeling and he suggested I should call my therapist or my doctor tomorrow. My sister called before she came home and was sweet enough to bring me a Passion Tea Lemonade from Starbucks. This seemed to help me calm down and it also helped to talk to her, and she distracted me by showing me some clothes she'd bought.

I'm glad I have people around me who I can count on to be there for me when I start feeling a little off. I also know better then to go without taking Lithium for so long. I should start feeling better in a couple of days I hope.

So today I'm simply trying to not beat myself up about what happened this weekend.

How do you cope when things don't go the way you had hoped they would?

Cruising the Caribbean: One of the Best Vacations

Hi everyone!

I just got back Saturday from a cruise with my boyfriend. It was amazing!

I was worried I might find it stressful, because sometimes travelling for me turns out to be a mess, especially when it involves a long amount of time away from home. That can mess up my routine, and in turn affect my mental health.

This vacation was definitely different from other vacations. It helped that the ship becomes your temporary "home." So I was able to go back to the room at anytime if I needed a break. Sleeping in the same bed for a week helped me be able to get good sleep the whole week, so my sleep schedule wasn't affected too much unless I decided to stay up later than I usually did. But then I was always able to go back to the room whenever I needed to to get a nap!

The food was good for the most part, and the service was excellent.

We were on Royal Caribbean, and they have freestyle machines, so we bought the drink package which included water bottles, so I didn't have to worry about not being able to stay hydrated.

I would say cruising was one the easiest and most relaxing vacations I ever been on. I took Bonine the first day for sea sickness, and whenever I felt like I needed it if the ship was extra rocky. I've tried Dramamine but I've found that makes me more sleepy, but Bonine didn't make me feel very drowsy at all.

It was very nice to see Haiti, Jamaica, and Cozumel, Mexico, without the trouble of long flights, and changing hotel rooms. Being able to be on a ship for the week with the same room and familiar places was much more relaxing for me.

What are some vacations that you would recommend for someone with Bipolar?