Quitting My Job Because of Anxiety

It’s happening again. And I’m angry. And tired.

Tired of this crippling anxiety that has me chained to this bed, threatening to derail my life again. I can’t afford to lose this job, not another one. But I can’t afford to go in either. This anxiety won’t let me.

I feel unsafe, and the only way to feel safe again is to quit. It’s the same story each time. I’ll quit, feel some relief, but then spend the next few days beating myself up about quitting. The same damn cycle each time. I know what’s coming: the self-loathing, the self-punishment.

I’ll convince myself I’m not hungry, or that I don’t deserve food. I don’t deserve to be happy because look what I did. I’m ruining my life again, and it’s all my fault.

At least that is what my brain is telling me. All of those nasty self critical, anxiety ridden thoughts. My brain can be cruel sometimes.

Finally my voice of reason will come in and remind me that maybe this is something I needed to do, because I was becoming unhappy at work. I remind myself that the work environment was becoming uncomfortable. It was getting to be too hot, too stressful, and just too much in general.

I know it’s going to be hard. Finding another job is not going to be easy. But it is worth trying again and finding something that works better. A schedule that it is easier on me. A place that pays better, is more rewarding, and has air conditioning. All of these things will be better for me in the long run. So no matter how hard it might seem, know that in the end it is going to be okay and that maybe this actually was the best option for right now.

Haunting Memories: A Poem About Depression

via shutterstock

It comes back in a hazy fog

They always do,

the memories.

You think they’ve faded

and just when you’re sure

you’re no longer sad

There it is again

haunting you:

As if to say

Remember me?

And then you remember

laying in bed

wishing to disappear

staring at the bubbles

in the cup of Sprite

next to your bed.

As each bubble rises

Another tear falls

You’re tired

But no matter how much you sleep

It’s never enough

Because you’re not enough

At least that’s what you’ve been telling yourself

over and over

the past few weeks.

You shake your head

Trying to erase the memory

bringing yourself back to the present

and you push it back

to the place where it belongs

The back of your mind

But you know it will return

at least it is now only

A haunting memory.

Slowly But Surely Starting to Feel Better

I decided I'd write a little update for you all on how I've been feeling.

I took off work yesterday because I knew I needed to. I took some anti-anxiety medicine yesterday and the day before and that lessened my feeling anxious about everything. My mom also came and stayed with me for a few hours, and we took a walk to the store and got some snacks for when we'd relax and watch Netflix.

I'm glad I just let myself relax though, rather than making myself feel guilty about needing to take off work. It's more important to take care of yourself sometimes, and listen to what you need.

I spent some time napping and then colored and listened to some relaxing music.

I also spent some time writing about everything I was feeling, just to sort of let everything out. It really helped to have my mom there some of the time to keep me from dwelling on the anxious and sad thoughts I've been having since I was off my medication.

I'm glad that lately I've been doing a good job of letting myself take care of myself and not trying to over do things when I don't feel quite up to it. I'm learning that it's more important to take a break than to try and pretend I'm fine when I'm not.

I called my therapist on Tuesday and she also suggested I take the day off to give the Lithium time to be fully in my system again. Sometimes trying to force yourself to do things too soon can backfire. I've also done my best to stay away from caffeine so that way I'll sleep better and it won't aggravate my anxiety.

Today I don't have work, and I'm planning on going to my therapy session and spending the rest of the day to relax and get a few things done around the house. Hopefully I'll do some yoga too.

I'm planning on working tomorrow, and luckily it's only a half day that doesn't start until 11:30 in the morning.

What things do you do when you have to take a step back from everything?